Haha, oh, right, blogging. Oh, and some content too!

Ugh, sorry all you people out there who check this site. All 2-3 of you daily visitors. Except for about a week ago when I got a huge spike for some reason. Checking my blog statistics, it seems everyone was crazy for phocomelia that day. Who knows. Anyway, I’ve been a combination of busy and frustratingly non-busy, so I haven’t blogged. So, here is a quick update.

I started writing for AbleGamers.com, which is an awesome website for gaming resources, especially for disabled gamers. I’m going to be a jerk and totally plug my stuff written over there now, just so you guys can go read it.

Here’s a review I did of Space Invaders Extreme 2.
Review of Scribblenauts.
Review of Rhythm Heaven.
Review of Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story.
My look at Bayonetta.
My look at Dante’s Inferno.
My excitement over GameX.

Speaking of GameX, it was incredibly awesome. For those not in the know, and who didn’t click the link above, it’s a game expo and media conference. And I got to go as a member of the press. It was ridiculously amazing. As I mentioned above, I got to try out same games, talk to some industry folk, and meet some really cool people.

Now that all that is out of the way, I guess I should say a bit more, maybe comment on some news. In fact, let’s talk about this little tidbit right here. By now, it’s old news, but still. It deserved to be mentioned.

Now, as a disabled gamer, adaptation and accommodations are very important to me. But, I feel it’s pretty obvious what this guy’s motivations are. Now, there are plenty of games out there that could easily do accessibility changes. Games that don’t offer the ability to change their controls? They could do that. Games that neglect to include subtitles, alienating deaf gamers? Easily fixed. Games that rely on colors hard for the colorblind to see? PC gaming has fixed that problem a lot of the time with overlays on colored switched, symbols, and buttons. Consoles, not so much.

As I’ve posted about previously, I can’t play the vast majority of Wii titles due to not being able to hold the Wiimote and nunchuk at the same time. Now, could some games benefit from a one-piece controller similar to a Gamecube controller with motion sensitivity? Yes. Definitely. Is this going to happen? Probably not, but it’s a plausible request. Are all games going to do this? No. And in fact, some can’t. Some games rely on the motion sensitivity of both parts of the controller. While there are some that only use one, and still others that are ports of games existing on other consoles (meaning that making it so added-in motion controls can’t be disabled so the game can be played with a normal controller is kind of ridiculous), not all games fall into this category.

Every disabled person is going to run into games they can not play. In fact, every person is regardless of… ableness, or whatever word is appropriate to use here. Maybe for the life of you, you just can’t understand fighting games. Maybe 3D games make your head hurt. Maybe you’re allergic to jiggle physics. Whatever the case may be, you don’t sue a company because their game isn’t specifically tailored to you. Especially because the company in question, Sony, has made adaptations to games to meet needs of disabled gamers.

The most ridiculous part of all this, of course, that part of his claim is since he can’t play the game, he can’t obtain items and sell them for real-life cash. That would be like me suing automakers for not making ramps, lifts, hand controls, and other modifications standard on all models. Not only can I not drive their cars, but I heard there is something called professional racing, where I would be able to drive and make money from it.

The worst thing is that video game companies are slowly but surely making changes. Not as many as we’d all like, and not as quickly either. But they are doing it. It’s a hard task, because every disability is different. In fact, people with the same disability will still have different levels of ability a lot of the time. But these companies are trying. And disabled gamers and interest groups are working with them. And it is people like this who run the risk of setting all this progress back and making companies less likely to help out for fear of getting sued if they don’t do it like we want.

That’s all for this edition.

More Questions? Sure!

Welcome to the next installment of me answering your questions! Let’s get to it.

We’ll start out with an easy one from Lisa. Do I have fingernails?

No. But I do have toenails. Weird, huh?

Next up from circuslzrd, he wants to know various things about my stand-up. So, I guess it’s story time.

It’s actually kind of funny how I got into doing stand-up comedy. Ithaca College has (possibly had, not sure on the current situation, to be honest) a stand-up club. Second semester of my junior year, I took a humor writing class. One of my classmates was the club president at the time, Angel Yau, and another was the vice president. During class they mentioned upcoming auditions to the club. Yeah, I know, a club with auditions. We were a club of snobs, I guess.

Anyway, the meeting was in an upstairs room of a building without an elevator. Having faced this before, I jokingly complained, lamenting how I wouldn’t be able to audition (if I had wanted to).

Well… they moved the auditions downstairs. It was two days, Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, I didn’t show up. Sunday, I woke up around noon, went to the dining hall to grab some waffles. On my way, who do I see but the president and vice president? “You’re coming in to audition, right?”

So, I’m caught. I head to lunch, scarfing down waffles and an omelet and some orange juice while trying to think of jokes, funny stories, observations, anything I could use. Dragging unwilling friends to my table to hurriedly try material out on them. Next thing I know, it’s audition time. I’m practically shaking. I’ve been secretly wanting to do this since freshman year but have never gotten up the nerve. Lack of confidence and whatnot.

I nail it. Absolutely. They call my jokes intelligent, my delivery great, need to work a bit on my timing. I’m in.

So, I was nervous at the audition. But after that, I was rarely nervous at all. People liked my stuff. I had fans there. I’ve got loads of charisma, and I like to entertain people. I’m at my most comfortable putting myself in front of a bunch of people and rambling entertaining stories.

Senior year I was picked to be president of the club. Since graduating, no, I haven’t done any stand-up. Occasionally I’ll look and see that a local pub or whatever will have open mic night, but… I haven’t done anything about it. Mostly because I’m out of practice, and I haven’t really had much face-to-face social interaction since graduating, so, I’m becoming more nervous about it all. Here’s hoping I get started again though.

A question from Kelsey H, what are some things I find most inconvenient because they were designed for people without my condition?

Haha, well stairs would probably go at the top of the list. I can tell you from personal experience that stairs and wheelchairs do not mix.

I know this from accidentally driving off the top step, tumbling (while still attached to the chair) down half the staircase (to a landing), scraping my arm all up on the carpet, and getting pinned under the chair (several hundred pounds). Oh. And for an added bonus, when the chair was lifted off of me, it snagged onto my pants, pantsing me. Did I mention this was my first day at Ithaca? During a placement test? In a lecture hall full of people? Go me.

So, yeah, stairs. Next on the list, obviously, is modern video game controllers.

I’d say jars, but even people with hands have trouble with them, so… jars escape my wrath for now.

Scissors. I lack the hands to hold the scissors and what I’m cutting. I’ve had a special pair of scissors since first grade. They’re a plastic base with a loop of bendy plastic attached to the scissor blades, so you press down on the bendy loop, and the blades close. You can do it with one hand, holding the paper steady with the other.

And for a little bit of irony (I am 90% sure this is actually ironic and not Alanis ironic), the bathroom at my doctor’s office. The toilet is so surrounded by bars to grab onto that is is near impossible to pull my chair up to the toilet and pee. And the sink has an enlarged basin for easier handwashing. It juts out so far that I can’t reach the tap unless I stand up on the seat of my chair.

Oh, and sidewalks! Not all sidewalks. Only certain sidewalks. Like poorly-maintained ones. The kind with uneven cement or tree roots busting out of the ground. Or the kind that belong to people who leave their trashcans in the middle of them. Or the kind without curb cutouts. My favorite kind of sidewalk is the four-way intersection with only one cutout. It’s more likely than you think.

That’s all that comes to mind right this second.

Let’s finish up with a question from Chrissy. Did my mom know something was off before the birth?

Yeah, they saw the little tiny manatees and everything. But besides my crazy limbs, everything else seemed normal.

I have no idea how many more of these I’ll be doing. From the looks of it, two or three. More if you guys keep up the awesome questioning!

Until next time!

Some Answers: Part 1

The results of having readers ask me questions certainly went beyond my expectations. I’ll be dividing up my answers between several blog posts. At least two. Maybe more. (That also means I have more definite stuff to post if I can’t think of anything else. Haha. Sneaky.)

Sorry this has taken so long, but several health issues have come up. Those who follow me on on my Twitter account know what I’m talking about. That said, let’s get on to business.

I suppose one of the best places to start would be to post some pictures, as per Trina‘s and Nargbop‘s requests. Let’s see what I can scrounge up.

Here I am on my 21st birthday. Can’t see my hands too well, but they’re there. Also an awesome dinosaur cake Chrissy made me.

Here’s a much better picture in terms of seeing a hand. My other’s kind of hidden, and it tends to be in most pictures for some reason. I am drinking some sort of beverage from a blue plastic cup while surrounded by friends of mine!

Included this one to show my distinct lack of feet. This is also my lesser-used chair. The dreaded manual chair. I can’t really operate it myself. So, I avoid it.

One of me doing stand-up. If you look closely, you can see my foot. Pretty awesome, yeah?

And, uh… I’m including this because Nargbop asked? Nothing to do with my disability. Just my kickin’ rad hat. Chicago gangster. Got it for junior prom in high school. I’m not sure where he got the purple feather from, but, okay.

So, there are some pictures. Now you have a better idea of what I look like and what I’ve got going on, so, let’s take another question.

Next question comes from Kelsey H (When I see a [first name, last initial] name like that I just feel I should tack of a “from [city, state]” at the end. Don’t know why…) She wants to know about my computer set-up.

Well, it’s a crappy old standard IBM ThinkPad. Regular keyboard. No mouse. Just one of those weird little nub mice embedded in the keyboard, with the buttons below the space bar. Nothing fancy. I’m totally capable of using a mouse. But I’m used to the inconvenient, terrible little nub. It’s funny, because everyone else I know gets horribly frustrated after using it for three seconds, but I MSPaint with it on a semi-regular basis.

Chrissy wants to know what bothers me more, awkward curious kids or ignorant questioning adults.

With the kids, you get the jaw-open, eyes-wide, “what haaaappened to you?” Which, to be honest, does get old. Especially when they follow you around. For over a minute. But the prize definitely goes to ignorant adults.

Now, I don’t mind the ones that will politely ask what happened to my legs, if I don’t mind answering, they’re sorry, blah blah blah. That’s fine. But, well, I guess it’s comparable to being a celebrity, in a way? Like, you can go up to a celebrity and compliment them and ask for an autograph if you act like a human being. Don’t do it while they’re eating. Or on the phone. And don’t just start jumping around shrieking that you’re talking to a celebrity. Same thing goes with asking me about my disability.

If I am clearly in the middle of a conversation with someone? Don’t ask me about it. If I’m enjoying a meal? Don’t ask me about it. If you’ve come up to me and you haven’t even introduced yourself or said hello? Don’t ask me about it.

Who are you and why should I be telling you where my legs went??

If you act like an idiot while asking, you will get an idiotic answer. If you act politely, come up to me in, say, the mall, and ask me while I’m in line for a pretzel? I will tell you that it is a birth defect, no it’s not a big deal that you asked, don’t worry about it, have a nice day. If you ask me while I am on the phone?

However, I tell different stories to rude people. I have told people who have interrupted phone conversations to ask me that I have been in: a car crash, a bus crash, a plane crash, and one special case of a bus crashing into a car I was in, then a plane crash landing onto the wreckage. I’ve told rude drunk people all sorts of crazy lies.

As an aside, mostly because I absolutely love telling this story, one time I was at a bowling alley with a girl, Laurel. I was a senior in high school, and it was kind of a ‘going-out’ thing. We had finished bowling, and had gotten some food from the little food counter area. In the middle of the meal, a group of 12-year-old boys surround our table. Staring. And gawking. And whispering. It’s embarrassing. Finally, one of them goes, “So, what happened to you???”

Without missing a beat, Laurel turns to this kid and says, “You want to know what happened to him? He fought an alligator! He was trapped by the gator, and fighting it, and it bit his legs right off! Mike fought back, and he grabbed the alligator and he ripped it right in half, tearing it in two, but not before it took his hands!” By this point, she’s standing up, looking down at them, telling the story the way a salty fisherman tells one about the giant squid who killed half his crew. “He fought that alligator, and he won!”

The kids are standing there dumbfounded before letting out a collective wow, before a collection of panicked-looking mothers runs up and drags the children away.

So, to answer the question, ignorant adults annoy me more.

We’re going to finish up with two more related questions, both of which are relatively short.

Lex asks what my chair’s top speed is. I’d say a little bit above 5 miles per hour.

Anneli wants to know who would win in a wheelchair race, me or Stephen Hawking (well, she said Hawkins, but I’m going to assume here).

Simple answer: No idea. I have no real clue about the mechanics of his wheelchair. Comedy answer: He’d probably win through use of black holes.

So, there we go. Round one of answering things. I have plenty more questions to use, so this will go on for a few more installments. Feel free to ask me more stuff too! Those of you who know me know I really don’t mind talking about myself.

Ask Me About…

So, I had an idea. I want you guys to ask me questions. I’ll answer them. You want to know specifics about my disability? I’ll answer them. You want to know how I do a specific thing? I’ll answer it. You want to ask me… well, anything? Go ahead. I’ll answer them.

Just comment on this entry with your question(s) and in my next post I’ll answer everyone’s!

That said, let’s get some common things out of the way.

How do you write?
I hold a writing utensil with both hands kind of similar as to how you hold one in one hand. One hand to support it in the back, the other tilting it appropriately and applying pressure from the front.

How do you type?
If typing casually, say for IMs or e-mails, or a blog… I kind of type one-handed (one-nubbed?), while the other one handles the Left-Shift, Caps Lock, Tab, Ctrl, etc. In the case of, say, computer games, I’ll use the arrows/mouse with one hand and the letter keys with the other. If typing with a need for speed or in a more formal setting, like for a report, I type two-handed, with each hand taking care of each half of the keyboard. On average, I get about 71 wpm.

Do you have genitals?
Yes. I have witnesses who can back me up on this. You’d think this question would bother me, but… whatever. It makes sense. You see me and you see no legs, and I wear shorts that tend to cover my weird little feet, so… who knows how far up the whole me-missing-parts thing goes. But, yes. I have them. Ran into this question during high school. Default answer was “Want to check?” I’ve matured since then. Also, it never worked.

Do you have a butt?
Yes. I also have witnesses who can back me up on this. Also, sitting would be a bit of a challenge. Wouldn’t it? First ran into this question in college. I’ll refer you to my previous explanation. Plausible question, but we’re getting into nonsense territory now.

Do you have a tail?
No. Why would you even think this? This was asked about me of my roommate my freshman year of college. This one bothers me the most, I think. It’s bad enough people are taking parts away from me in their questioning. Now they’re adding things too.

So, there’s a sampler platter for you. Go on, ask away!