More Questions? Sure!

Welcome to the next installment of me answering your questions! Let’s get to it.

We’ll start out with an easy one from Lisa. Do I have fingernails?

No. But I do have toenails. Weird, huh?

Next up from circuslzrd, he wants to know various things about my stand-up. So, I guess it’s story time.

It’s actually kind of funny how I got into doing stand-up comedy. Ithaca College has (possibly had, not sure on the current situation, to be honest) a stand-up club. Second semester of my junior year, I took a humor writing class. One of my classmates was the club president at the time, Angel Yau, and another was the vice president. During class they mentioned upcoming auditions to the club. Yeah, I know, a club with auditions. We were a club of snobs, I guess.

Anyway, the meeting was in an upstairs room of a building without an elevator. Having faced this before, I jokingly complained, lamenting how I wouldn’t be able to audition (if I had wanted to).

Well… they moved the auditions downstairs. It was two days, Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, I didn’t show up. Sunday, I woke up around noon, went to the dining hall to grab some waffles. On my way, who do I see but the president and vice president? “You’re coming in to audition, right?”

So, I’m caught. I head to lunch, scarfing down waffles and an omelet and some orange juice while trying to think of jokes, funny stories, observations, anything I could use. Dragging unwilling friends to my table to hurriedly try material out on them. Next thing I know, it’s audition time. I’m practically shaking. I’ve been secretly wanting to do this since freshman year but have never gotten up the nerve. Lack of confidence and whatnot.

I nail it. Absolutely. They call my jokes intelligent, my delivery great, need to work a bit on my timing. I’m in.

So, I was nervous at the audition. But after that, I was rarely nervous at all. People liked my stuff. I had fans there. I’ve got loads of charisma, and I like to entertain people. I’m at my most comfortable putting myself in front of a bunch of people and rambling entertaining stories.

Senior year I was picked to be president of the club. Since graduating, no, I haven’t done any stand-up. Occasionally I’ll look and see that a local pub or whatever will have open mic night, but… I haven’t done anything about it. Mostly because I’m out of practice, and I haven’t really had much face-to-face social interaction since graduating, so, I’m becoming more nervous about it all. Here’s hoping I get started again though.

A question from Kelsey H, what are some things I find most inconvenient because they were designed for people without my condition?

Haha, well stairs would probably go at the top of the list. I can tell you from personal experience that stairs and wheelchairs do not mix.

I know this from accidentally driving off the top step, tumbling (while still attached to the chair) down half the staircase (to a landing), scraping my arm all up on the carpet, and getting pinned under the chair (several hundred pounds). Oh. And for an added bonus, when the chair was lifted off of me, it snagged onto my pants, pantsing me. Did I mention this was my first day at Ithaca? During a placement test? In a lecture hall full of people? Go me.

So, yeah, stairs. Next on the list, obviously, is modern video game controllers.

I’d say jars, but even people with hands have trouble with them, so… jars escape my wrath for now.

Scissors. I lack the hands to hold the scissors and what I’m cutting. I’ve had a special pair of scissors since first grade. They’re a plastic base with a loop of bendy plastic attached to the scissor blades, so you press down on the bendy loop, and the blades close. You can do it with one hand, holding the paper steady with the other.

And for a little bit of irony (I am 90% sure this is actually ironic and not Alanis ironic), the bathroom at my doctor’s office. The toilet is so surrounded by bars to grab onto that is is near impossible to pull my chair up to the toilet and pee. And the sink has an enlarged basin for easier handwashing. It juts out so far that I can’t reach the tap unless I stand up on the seat of my chair.

Oh, and sidewalks! Not all sidewalks. Only certain sidewalks. Like poorly-maintained ones. The kind with uneven cement or tree roots busting out of the ground. Or the kind that belong to people who leave their trashcans in the middle of them. Or the kind without curb cutouts. My favorite kind of sidewalk is the four-way intersection with only one cutout. It’s more likely than you think.

That’s all that comes to mind right this second.

Let’s finish up with a question from Chrissy. Did my mom know something was off before the birth?

Yeah, they saw the little tiny manatees and everything. But besides my crazy limbs, everything else seemed normal.

I have no idea how many more of these I’ll be doing. From the looks of it, two or three. More if you guys keep up the awesome questioning!

Until next time!

A Letter to the President

Dear Mr. Obama,

So, how is everything? Fixing the economy? AIG giving you trouble? Good luck with all that.

Enough small talk though, Mr. President. I saw that you were on with Leno. First time a sitting president has went on “The Tonight Show.” Impressive. Now… while you were there you said some things. Yes, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The bowling thing.

You’ve been practicing on the White House lanes and you’ve gotten better. You got a 129. Good, great, wonderful. Pretty lousy score, we all know. But saying it was “like the Special Olympics or something.” That was a bit much.

You’ve been messing up recently, Mr. President. I don’t even really mean on the big issues either. Come on. You gave Gordon Brown a box set of 25 DVDs. Region 1 DVDs. It seems you forgot Mr. Brown was coming over that day. And now this.

I’d like you to know that I’m offended. On a personal level, as a matter of fact. I wouldn’t expect you to know this, but I was in the Special Olympics. For bowling, believe it or not! Repeatedly made it to regionals, almost made it to nationals.

And I have never, NEVER bowled a 129. Actually, my average was closer to the 180-190 range. My personal best was 235. That’s without a handicap or anything either.

So, Barack, for this little remark of yours, I propose you and I go bowling and I show you how exactly someone who was in the Special Olympics bowls. Just name the time. I’ll even give you home lane advantage. Does the White House alley have bumpers? You can use them if you want.

Yours truly,
Michael “manateehands” Myers

P.S. Please start thinking before you speak. I know you’re the “cool president” and all, but… you’re just being offensive.

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For those of you not in the know on this story: Here.